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Hebrews: Discipleship Lessons|
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One short verse has helped my marriage. It is tucked within among Paul's exhortation about godly living to the Colossian church. Let me share it with you briefly.
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13)
It is straightforward and yet profound. I see it in three parts.
1. Forbearance (Colossians 3:13a)
I have what you might call idiosyncrasies, quirky habits that I'm mostly unaware of. My wife also has her own peculiar ways. Reality check: There is little chance I'll change her nor she'll change me. Often, you and I are unaware of how we offend; we bumble along without thinking. God calls us to forbearance with one another.
"Bear with each other." (Colossians 3:13a)
We see a similar exhortation in Ephesians:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2)
"Bear with" (NIV, NIV), "bearing" (ESV), "forbearing" (KJV) is anechō, "to regard with tolerance, endure, bear with, put up with."1 The English word "forbearance" refers to "the act of controlling oneself when provoked, to be patient."
Paul isn't calling for grit-your-teeth, keep-your-lips-sealed anger management. He is talking about the virtue of humility, of gentleness, of patience that God seeks to grow in us, the fruit of the Spirit. Love is at the root. Romantic love (eros) between a man and a woman is wonderful, but it isn't the point here. Paul is talking about agapē love, the kind of self-giving love that Christ demonstrates for us on the cross. The kind of love that transcends and endures beyond romantic love. Romantic love can begin your marriage, but only agapē love can sustain it over time.
Forbearance doesn't require forgiveness since we're not talking about sin so much as differences. It requires tolerance, patience, and love,
2. Forgiveness (Colossians 3:13b)
But some conflicts are based on sins committed against us. We're not talking about unintentional slips of the tongue here, but actual sins. Sins of selfishness and lust, of greed, anger, deceit and so on. Sins that destroy relationships. Forbearance is the apostle's first command. Forgiveness is his second command.
"Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another." (Colossians 3:13b)
"Forgive/forgiving," is used twice in this verse. The verb is charizomai, which comes from the root charis, "grace." Charizomai is often used in the sense, "to give graciously," to grant or give something to someone. Twice in the New Testament it is used regarding cancelling a debt.2 But here it means "to show oneself gracious by forgiving wrongdoing, forgive, pardon."3 Paul tells us:
"Forgive whatever grievances4 you may have against one another." (Colossians 3:13b)
Paul doesn't limit forgiveness to certain sins or offenses. If there is a blame, a legitimate complaint or sin -- or even if there isn't -- we are called to forgive. One time Peter came to Jesus in frustration.
'''Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" (Matthew 18:21-22)
It's great if the person repents (Luke 17:3-4). But what if they don't? Do I have to forgive them in that case? (Romans 12:8). It is true that without repentance on their part the relationship can't be fully restored. But the alternative cannot be to carry a silent grudge. The Bible tells us:
"Do not seek revenge5 or bear a grudge6 against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19:18)
Whether or not the person repents, we still need to deal with the offense in our own hearts or it will turn to bitterness and a grudge. To truly love that person in spite of themselves, we need to let it go. If forgiving a person to their face isn't an option, we somehow need to forgive them in our heart.
To help us with this, it is important to clarify what forgiveness is and is not.
- To forgive doesn't mean you saying that it didn't hurt that much, that the pain isn't so intense.
- To forgive doesn't mean that somehow the offense wasn't really that bad, to minimize the person's guilt or culpability.
- To forgive doesn't mean that the person didn't really mean it, trying to construe their motive in the best light.
- To forgive doesn't mean you are able to forget the hurt; some wounds may lessen but never go away entirely.
- To forgive doesn't mean you have to trust the person; forgiveness is given, trust is earned. They are two different things.
- To forgive doesn't mean that the person shouldn't face whatever consequences or legal problems that result from their sin; we aren't required to short-circuit justice -- civil or divine.7
Here's what forgiveness does mean. To forgive means that you choose not to hold this offense, this sin, against them any longer. Period. To forgive is a decision not to hold an offense against the person from here on out.
3. God's Forgiveness (Colossians 3:13c)
Forgiveness is hard. It is costly. Forgiveness cost God the death of his Son on the cross -- which leads us to the third part of this verse.
"Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13c)
If we need an example of the nature and extent of our forgiveness, we look to God.
"As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)
Forgiveness and Peace with God
God calls us to seek reconciliation wherever possible. Reconciliation is God's ultimate goal for his world (Ephesians 1:10; Colossians 1:20). When there is an issue between you and someone else, Jesus calls you to try to work it out without hesitation.
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." (Mark 11:25)
And the flip-side is true also.
"If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23-24)
Unforgiveness can obstruct your worship. Resentment can keep you from drawing close to God.
Moreover, forgiveness allows your wounded heart to heal. Forgiveness breaks chains of resentment that can otherwise enslave us. Like a rock in your shoe, your foot can't heal until you remove it. Forgiveness has a way of flushing out bitterness and filling in that void with God's redemptive love.
Forgiveness is Jesus' path -- sometimes hard, but ultimately satisfying, right, and whole. Our verse is short, but powerful and life-changing. I encourage you to memorize it so you can recall it again and again when you are offended.
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13)
The verse has helped my marriage and my life. My prayer is that it helps yours, too.
Prayer
Father, change my heart. Soften it where it has become hard and calloused through the hard knocks of life. Teach me the patience to forbear. Help me to draw on your love so that I might forgive from the heart and so be healed. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
End Notes
[1] Ancho, BDAG 78, 1a.
[2] Luke 7:42-43.
[3] Charisma, BDAG 1078, 3. Also found in this sense in Colossians 2:13; 2 Corinthians 2:7, 10; 12:13; Ephesians 4:32.
[4] "Grievances" (NIV) "complaint" (ESV, NRSV), "quarrel" (KJV) is momphid, "blame, (cause for) complaint" (BDAG 657). "Blame, reproof, cause of complaint" (Liddell-Scott 1143).
[5] "Seek revenge"(NIV), "take vengeance" (ESV, NRSV), "avenge" (KJV) is the Qal imperfect of maqam, "take vengeance, revenge, avenge oneself" (TWOT #1413).
[6] "Bear a grudge" is the Qal imperfect of near, "keep," here, "preserve one's anger, hold a grudge" (Holladay 236).
[7] See my article, "Don't Pay the Price of Counterfeit Forgiveness," Moody Monthly, October 1985, pp. 106-108 (joyfulheart.com/maturity/forgive.htm).
Copyright © 2025, Ralph F. Wilson. <pastor
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